The Official Joke Thread

The place to kick back, relax, post general bullshit, and grill a few on the BBQ. Whatever doesn't fit into another forum would go here. We periodically go through and move posts to the correct forum, but we do charge a case of Beer every time we have to.
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J_K9
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Post: # 17284Post J_K9
Tue Jun 06, 2006 5:44 pm

Unless I've misunderstood you... You and your sick mind :P


"Don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold." - Bob Marley

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Aspman
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Post: # 17436Post Aspman
Wed Jun 07, 2006 9:10 am

Via Email:

40 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.

35 degrees - Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

20 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.

15 degrees - Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.

0 degrees - New York landlords turn the heat on.
People in Scotland have a last barby before it gets cold.

-10 degrees - People in Miami are extinct.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

-20 degrees - Californians all now live in Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

-80 degrees - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival excercise until it gets cold enough.

-100 degrees - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.

-173 degrees - Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky kegs.

-297 degrees - Microbial life starts to grind to a halt.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-460 degrees - ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying " A bit hill billy ... eh? "

-500 degrees - Hell freezes over.
Scottish people support England in the World Cup!!
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Aspman
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Post: # 18014Post Aspman
Fri Jun 09, 2006 11:14 am

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Fish.
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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DaFoxx
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Post: # 18117Post DaFoxx
Fri Jun 09, 2006 3:42 pm

Here is the latest soccer score from Spain :


Real Madrid - 1

Surreal Madrid - Fish
Beware of Geeks bearing GIF's :shock:

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J_K9
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Post: # 18149Post J_K9
Fri Jun 09, 2006 5:05 pm

I don't get the 'surreal' and 'fish' jokes - someone care to explain? :P :D

Here's a nice little 'joke' I found :D --

=============================

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...
Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.


Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
"Don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold." - Bob Marley

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Relyt
Hmmm, should I post some more ?
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Post: # 18595Post Relyt
Mon Jun 12, 2006 12:09 am

Is the brake fluid & bleach toxic, I sniffed the smoke...

:shock:

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DaFoxx
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Post: # 18601Post DaFoxx
Mon Jun 12, 2006 12:15 am

apparently it gives you 60 seconds to live :shock:

give us a minute to check that :P :D
Beware of Geeks bearing GIF's :shock:

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Relyt
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Post: # 18615Post Relyt
Mon Jun 12, 2006 12:32 am

crap, 59 seconds have past and......

Johnno
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Post: # 18654Post Johnno
Mon Jun 12, 2006 4:28 am

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.

One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"

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Relyt
Hmmm, should I post some more ?
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Post: # 18669Post Relyt
Mon Jun 12, 2006 7:02 am

:lol: Now that's a joke that will be repeated. And besides it has a moral.

8)

Johnno
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Post: # 18760Post Johnno
Mon Jun 12, 2006 11:19 am

Why don't men eat between meals?

There *IS* no "between" meals.

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Relyt
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Post: # 19016Post Relyt
Tue Jun 13, 2006 4:38 am

All you can eat Buffet at Johnno's
:lol:

devpon
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Post: # 19316Post devpon
Wed Jun 14, 2006 12:56 am

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in
a very sex nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.
***********************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran
into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the darn lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
***********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
and the other is a husband.
***********************************************


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
************************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
************************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,
"CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more! butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't
forget you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!
HE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving."

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Panama Red
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Post: # 20240Post Panama Red
Fri Jun 16, 2006 11:17 pm

HIJACK A PLANE & WIN A COUNCIL HOUSE


Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of 'ASYLUM'.

Today's programme features another chance to take part in our exciting competition: Hijack an airliner and win a council house! We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor the British Taxpayer. And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.

Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British passport, and you only need one word of English: 'ASYLUM'!.

Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and accosting drivers at traffic lights. This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.

No application ever refused reasonable or unreasonable. All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password: 'ASYLUM'.

Only this week 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel. They join tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain. Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area In Historic Bedfordshire.

If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience, just apply for legal aid. Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help. It won't cost you a penny, so play today; it could change your life forever.

Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters,pro-Pinochet activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...COME ON DOWN!

Get along to the airport, get along to the lorry park, get along to the ferry terminal. Don't stop in Germany or France.
Go straight to Britain. And you are guaranteed to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the softest game on earth.

Roll up, roll up my friends for the game that never ends.

Everyone's a winner, when they play 'ASYLUM'.
Image

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THE Doctor
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Post: # 20780Post THE Doctor
Tue Jun 20, 2006 3:38 am

fast-track them to their luxury £200-a-night rooms
YEh we have one of those its call "Villawood" mmmmmm mmm mmm

who hasnt seen the "Where the Bloody hell are you" advertisement?

well here is a download 8.5MB fo a spoof. (You will need a Quicktime player for this)


http://downwindmedia.com/mov/wtfrulalalaH264.mov

the accomodation center I mention gets its nose in..
.. The trouble with life is there's no background music..

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