The Official Joke Thread

The place to kick back, relax, post general bullshit, and grill a few on the BBQ. Whatever doesn't fit into another forum would go here. We periodically go through and move posts to the correct forum, but we do charge a case of Beer every time we have to.
User avatar
Jinxy
Uber Phreek
Posts: 421
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2006 7:48 pm
Location: Dorset
Contact:

Post: # 2472Post Jinxy
Sun Jan 15, 2006 4:39 pm

Man walks upto a woman in a bar.

and says, "hi my names Bond".

"Ha ha", says the woman, "James, I suppose?".

"No", replies the man, "unibond, i've come to fill your crack in".



AcidTone

Post: # 2640Post AcidTone
Mon Jan 16, 2006 3:05 pm

Top Ten Habits of Highly Effective Flamethrowers

Rule 10: Never forget that the person reading your mail is a person, with feelings that can be hurt. If you see the opportunity, hurt them.

Rule 9: Behave online as you do in real life. This way, you can act like a total jerk under all circumstances.

Rule 8: Lurk until you get a feel for what's acceptable in a particular forum or newsgroup. Then leap in and do the opposite.

Rule 7: Be aware of others' time and bandwidth. Never post anything shorter than seven paragraphs. Ensure your sig is at least a screen long.

Rule 6: Make yourself look good online always post your abuse in complete, grammatically correct sentences.

Rule 5: Share expert knowledge. If you know how to push someone's buttons in a forum, send private email to everyone else telling them.

Rule 4: Help keep flame wars under control: lead the charge.

Rule 3: Respect other people's privacy...if you have some dirt about a member of a newsgroup, spread it only via private email.

Rule 2: Don't abuse your power. Flame only those who disagree with you.

Rule 1: Remember: You were a network newbie once, too. You deserved all the flaming you got then. The current batch deserves no less.

User avatar
Shippwreck
I've posted HOW many
Posts: 4195
Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2006 5:38 pm
Location: Stevenage, UK
Contact:

Big Chief, No Fart!

Post: # 2644Post Shippwreck
Mon Jan 16, 2006 3:19 pm

A young Indian rode into town one day to ask the doctor to come see his chief. When the doctor asked why he replied "Big Chief, no fart!"

The doctor smiled. He went back to his office and returned with a tablet. He handed it to the young Indian and said "Give this to your Chief and he should be fine”

The next day the young Indian came back, went straight to the doctor and said "Big Chief, no fart". The doctor was a little puzzled by this, however he went to his cabinet and produced a small bottle of tablets. "Give these to your chief, once a day for a week and he should be fine”

The next week, the young Indian came back, “Big Chief, no fart” he exclaimed. The doctor was even more puzzled and handed the Indian a very large bottle of pills. “Give these to your Chief twice a day for a month and he should be fine”

A month later the Indian came back looking very angry. He marched straight into the doctors office. The doctor looked very confused and asked “have the tablets not worked?” The young Indian slammed his hands in the desk and shouted…

“BIG FART, NO CHIEF!!!”
Image
Google is god... of the internet :mrgreen:

AcidTone

Screw With Your Co-Workers

Post: # 3544Post AcidTone
Tue Jan 31, 2006 9:45 am

Screw With Your Co-Workers

Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word "the" with the phrase "you suck!" They will usually panic and start scanning for viruses.
Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc. before they realize what has happened.

Another gem is to do a "Print Screen" of the user's desktop, and then paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a bitmap. Then, set the 'snapshot' of their desktop as the actual desktop wallpaper. (You'll have to hide the Windows status bar, and move all their desktop icons into a folder, which you can hide conspicuously in the corner or something.) The user will see their desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it...sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit!

This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge. Stick in a floppy in their floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up windows until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.

Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying around. Preferably a reggae or rap CD. Pop it in their CD ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double clicking on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal configurations the audio CD will auto-play when windows first starts up. The person starting up their PC in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.

This is for that special person you just cant stand in the office, the one who talks on the phone all day with their boyfriend/girlfriend and gets personal e-mail all day. Go into their e-mail and change their defaults to automatically "blind carbon copy" their boss or supervisor. Heads will roll!

Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decafe. Wait about three weeks (or until you think everybody has gotten over their caffeine addiction)and switch to espresso!

Try "password securing" someone's screen saver. First I suggest changing the screen saver to "scrolling marque" and inserting your own word or phrase, "Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats SHlT" or something to that effect.

Pop out the 'm' and 'n' key on someone's keyboard and reverse the two. Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.

With someone who is on the phone a lot during work - This works if you have phones that the handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the mouthpiece inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the earpiece. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won't be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.

And finally...

Depending where you are at you may have a cafeteria in you place of work. Every week most of them put out a menu so you know what they are serving. Usually it is done on Word or Excel, and not extremely fancy. With a little work, matching fonts, and images you can make your own menus, and post them by your desk. We had one co-worker avoid the cafeteria for 2 weeks because of the selection "fish head stew" etc. before he caught on. Works great with picky eaters.

{Recieved Via Email}

AcidTone

Chuck Norris

Post: # 3781Post AcidTone
Fri Feb 03, 2006 6:03 pm

  • Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the director said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris,"
    and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

    If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "BOOYA".

    If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

    On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

    Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

    When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

    It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

    Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

    Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

    God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

    Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

    A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.

    Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.

    Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

    Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

    Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

    Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

    If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.

    Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

    Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

    When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

    We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it

    Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

    In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in Total Recall.

    Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

    If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win?
    Chuck Norris

    Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

    Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.

    In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

    Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.

    Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

    Chuck Norris invented water.

    Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

    One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

    Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
    symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

    Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.

    Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.

    Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

    Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.

    In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks

    Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he replied 'I am a club' and everyone partied on him... Until he roundhouse kicked them all because someone spilt his beer.

{ Recieved Via Email }

User avatar
Aspman
Frustrated Mad Scientist
Posts: 8864
Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2006 10:07 am
Location: Scotland

Post: # 4237Post Aspman
Fri Feb 10, 2006 3:24 pm

Aliens have been to England!!!
Naughty buggers!
Not work friendly.

http://maps.google.co.uk/maps?f=q&hl=en ... 610352&t=k

Zoom in!
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

User avatar
dinowuff
I've posted HOW many
Posts: 5330
Joined: Sun Dec 25, 2005 11:26 pm
Are you a Spammer: No
Location: galactic longitude 359° 56′ 39.4″, galactic latitude −0° 2′ 46.2″
Contact:

Post: # 4239Post dinowuff
Fri Feb 10, 2006 3:44 pm

Someone had way too much time on their hands. LOL

User avatar
Aspman
Frustrated Mad Scientist
Posts: 8864
Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2006 10:07 am
Location: Scotland

Post: # 4642Post Aspman
Thu Feb 16, 2006 9:55 am

Stop choking, Australian style


A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie.
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the
crack of her arse.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

User avatar
DaFoxx
DaBOSS
Posts: 8716
Joined: Sun Dec 25, 2005 1:20 am
Are you a Spammer: No
Location: 3rd Rock from the Sun

Post: # 5157Post DaFoxx
Fri Feb 24, 2006 7:43 pm

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death,

he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the
kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven,

for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years,seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted,
he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth,
seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone
at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife . . . . . . . .


"F*ck Off!! ", she said,












"They're for the funeral" :D
Beware of Geeks bearing GIF's :shock:

User avatar
xierox
Hoopy Frood
Posts: 314
Joined: Sat Dec 31, 2005 2:08 am

Post: # 5243Post xierox
Sun Feb 26, 2006 1:57 am

I wish I had emo lawn. It would cut itself.

:D
Image
Sometimes the light's all shining on me, other times I can barely see. Lately it occurs to me what a long strange trip it's been.

User avatar
dinowuff
I've posted HOW many
Posts: 5330
Joined: Sun Dec 25, 2005 11:26 pm
Are you a Spammer: No
Location: galactic longitude 359° 56′ 39.4″, galactic latitude −0° 2′ 46.2″
Contact:

Could be offensive but I don't care!

Post: # 5507Post dinowuff
Wed Mar 01, 2006 5:57 pm

Late one Saturday night the local Sunday School teacher, Ms. Smith was pondering a most dreadful dilemma. Her students were the worst mannered children lacking any social grace. And in the Morning the Bishop planned to visit Ms. Smiths class. As if the hand of God had slapped her on the back of her head, Ms. Smith had a brilliant idea.

Come Sunday Morning, Ms. Smith lined the children up for the Bishops visit. Prepared and confident, she pulled a hat pin out of her pocket and held it firmly in her hand. With the Bishop in the front of the children and Ms. Smith standing directly behind the children, the Bishop asked the first child a question.

"My child, who was it that died on the cross for you"?
At that Ms. Smith pocked the child in the butt with the hat pin.
"JESUS CHRIST"! Exclaimed the child after being pocked in the butt.
"Very Good" Responded the Bishop.

Pleased with herself, Ms. Smith continued down the line behind the children. The Bishop stopped in front of a child half way down the line and asked, "Do you know who Mary, Josephs wife is"?

Again Ms. Smith pocked the child in the butt to which the child blurted in pain; "Mother of GOD"!

Now Dirty Ernie; waiting at the end of the line, had noticed the teachers action and was prepared. Ms. Smith silently prayed that the Bishop would not stop and ask Ernie a question. But alas the Bishop stopped in front of Ernie and said.

"My son, I want you to think about this one. Adam and Eve were cast out of the Garden of Eden. Do you know what Eve said to Adam that eventually caused their expulsion"?

At that Dirty Ernie took a quick step to the side and said, "If you try to poke me with that thing I'll ram this apple down your fucking throat".

*****************************************************************************

Dirty Ernie was sitting outside on the church steps playing with a small bottle of liquid. Curious, a priest sat down beside Ernie and asked what was in the bottle.

"Father, this here is turpentine - the most powerful liquid in the world".
"Oh, my son", replied the priest. "You are mistaken. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. Why just one drop an a mothers belly and she'll pass a child".

Dirty Ernie looked at the bottle, looked at the priest and then back at the bottle saying,

"That's nothing Padre, on drop of this on a cats ass and it'll pass a motorcycle".

******************************************************************************

Dirty Ernie is in Sunday School and Ms. Smith asks the class what part of the body they thought was the most holy. Dirty Ernie's hand went up immediately. Not wanting to hear anything Ernie might say, Ms. Smith asked Sally who answered, "The heart, because that's where all the love is". Tim answered he thought it was the head because you have to be smart to get into heaven.

Now by this time Dirty Ernie was going crazy. He knew the answer and was waving both hands radically in the air. With no other children's hands in the air, Ms. Smith said,

"Ok Ernie, What do you think is the first part of the body to go to heaven"?
Ernie Replied
"I know for a fact it's the feet".
"The Feet"?
Asked Ms. Smith who was confused, not only by the body part Ernie had chosen but by the nature of his response.
"Yea" Replied Ernie. "Last night I went downstairs to get some water, and Father Don was kneeling down at the end of our couch praying over my mom who had her feet straight up in the air screaming, 'OH LORD I'M CUMMING'".

User avatar
Panama Red
I come Unseen
Posts: 5469
Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2006 12:14 am

Irish Virus

Post: # 5610Post Panama Red
Thu Mar 02, 2006 5:10 pm

For those that don't celebrate St Paddy's day.... :lol:


http://putfile.com/pic.php?pic=3/6010052150.jpg&s=x402
Image

User avatar
Aspman
Frustrated Mad Scientist
Posts: 8864
Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2006 10:07 am
Location: Scotland

Post: # 7030Post Aspman
Mon Mar 20, 2006 10:14 am

Not a joke but you may enjoy...

http://j-walk.com/other/conf/index.htm
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

User avatar
Aspman
Frustrated Mad Scientist
Posts: 8864
Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2006 10:07 am
Location: Scotland

Post: # 7231Post Aspman
Wed Mar 22, 2006 12:52 pm

"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

User avatar
Debs
Mrs. Drunky McDrunkpants
Posts: 860
Joined: Wed Jan 04, 2006 9:07 pm
Location: Florida

Post: # 7986Post Debs
Fri Mar 31, 2006 11:22 pm

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew
very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the
house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long
hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done
a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town
and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One
o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired
hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it
off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly
by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he
slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
The post office just released a new stamp in the shape of a clitoris but it's not selling very well because only 3% of men know how to lick it.

Post Reply