The Official Joke Thread

The place to kick back, relax, post general bullshit, and grill a few on the BBQ. Whatever doesn't fit into another forum would go here. We periodically go through and move posts to the correct forum, but we do charge a case of Beer every time we have to.
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Panama Red
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The Next Generation of Troops

Post: # 69218Post Panama Red
Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:24 pm

The future of warfare....

:shock: :lol: :lol:

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Morganlefay
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Post: # 69219Post Morganlefay
Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:28 pm

http://www.itworldcanada.com/video/video5.html

there are 2 clips on this site...ye olde tech support...

and

Windows Vista in 2 minutes....

Classic...


MLF
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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rapier57
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Post: # 69555Post rapier57
Fri Apr 27, 2007 5:12 pm

Coincidence? I think not....this information may clear up a lot of questions.

Many will recall that in July 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified flying object with five aliens aboard crashed into a White n Wooly Sunday lunch on legs and cattle ranch just outside of Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March, 1948, exactly 9 months later, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condoleeza Rice and Dan Quayle were all born.






See what happens when aliens breed with White n Wooly Sunday lunch on legs?
Rapier57.

Jayne: Testing. Testing. Captain, can you hear me?
Mal: I'm standing right here.
Jayne: You're coming through good and loud.
Mal: 'Cause I'm standing right here.


@rapier57

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Egaladeist
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Post: # 69803Post Egaladeist
Mon Apr 30, 2007 12:56 am

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was the screen saver".

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Ally
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Post: # 70066Post Ally
Tue May 01, 2007 10:37 am

Wee Bit Of Catholic Humor:

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
~~~~~~~~~
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery , and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful."

Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."

She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."

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Ally
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Post: # 70067Post Ally
Tue May 01, 2007 10:39 am

Subject: The arrival of the truly Welsh film industry

Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Swansea-Slapper-Douglas has become firmly established in Hollywood , and Charlotte (I don`t go to)
Church is a well-known celebrity slapper in the UK , the Welsh film industry is to receive additional Lottery funding to step up production. They are going to remake many well known films, but this time with
a truly Welsh flavour.

The following are planned for release later this year...

9½ Leeks
Trefforest Gump
Cwmando
The Lost Boyos
An American Werewolf in Llandudno
Huw Dares Gwyneth
Dai Hard
The Wizard of Oswestry
Cool Hand Look-you
Sheepless in Seattle
The Magnificent Severn
Haverfordwest Was Won
Austin Powys
The Magic Rhonddabout
Independence Dai
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyndrobwll - llantysiliogogogoch That Time Forgot
Welsh Connection
Welsh Connection II
The Bridge on the River Wye
Lawrence of Arabergevenny
A Beautiful Mind-you
The Welsh Patient
The Sheepshag Redemption
Breakfast at Taffanys
Look You Back in Bangor
Evans Can Wait
A Fishguard Called Rhondda
Where Eagles Aberdare

Dial M For Merthyr
Moldfinger

.....................................look you, boyo!

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Aspman
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Post: # 70324Post Aspman
Wed May 02, 2007 5:01 pm

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"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Ally
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Post: # 70430Post Ally
Thu May 03, 2007 9:53 am

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY

Artery......................... The study of paintings.

Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.

Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die.

Benign........................ .What you be, after you be eight.

Caesarean Section...............A neighbourhood in Rome.

Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her.

Colic.......................... A White n Wooly Sunday lunch on legs dog.

Coma........................... A punctuation mark.

Dilate......................... To live long.

Enema.......................... Not a friend.

Fester......................... Quicker than someone else.

Fibula......................... A small lie.

Impotent........................ Distinguished, well known.

Labour Pain.....................Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane.

Morbid......................... A higher offer.

Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates.

Node........................... I knew it.

Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted.

Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative................. A letter carrier.

Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery.

Rectum......................... Nearly killed him.

Secretion...................... Hiding something.

Seizure........................ Roman emperor.

Tablet......................... A small table.

Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour..........................One plus one more.

Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out.

2xCondoms.......................To be sure, to be sure

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Ally
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Post: # 70773Post Ally
Fri May 04, 2007 9:45 am

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine .."What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the
water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your CROSS," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f**k off the car!"

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Ally
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Post: # 70775Post Ally
Fri May 04, 2007 9:48 am

Lord, I have a problem.

"What's the problem, Eve? "

"I know you created me, provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that, Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you. "

"Man? What is that Lord? "

"A flawed creature . . . he'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he'll need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great" says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, Lord?"

"Well. . . . . you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, self admiring, so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret. . . . . . . you know, woman to woman."

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THE Doctor
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Post: # 71301Post THE Doctor
Mon May 07, 2007 1:05 pm

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place: First bloke: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second bloke: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third bloke: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth bloke hasn’t said a word. So they asked him. " Mate you haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth bloke: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am.

When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and asked, "Fishing or Sex?" and she said, "Wear sun-block."
.. The trouble with life is there's no background music..

Remember Grasshopper: The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

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THE Doctor
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Post: # 71302Post THE Doctor
Mon May 07, 2007 1:07 pm

I have a big dog & I was buying a large bag of PAL MEATY BITES in WOOLWORTHS and was standing in the queue at the till.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The( PAL MEATYBITE ) diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with PAL MEATYBITES and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??
.. The trouble with life is there's no background music..

Remember Grasshopper: The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

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THE Doctor
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Post: # 71303Post THE Doctor
Mon May 07, 2007 1:07 pm

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walks in.

She turns and says; "You've got to make love to me - this very moment." His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives her his all - right there, on the kitchen table. Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove. Puzzled at her casual demeanour after such an unusual event, he asks; "What was that all about?"

She explains; "The egg timer's broken."
.. The trouble with life is there's no background music..

Remember Grasshopper: The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

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THE Doctor
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Post: # 71304Post THE Doctor
Mon May 07, 2007 1:09 pm

An Oldie.. still give me a chuckle or 3



The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! More komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
Replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
.. The trouble with life is there's no background music..

Remember Grasshopper: The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

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THE Doctor
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Post: # 71305Post THE Doctor
Mon May 07, 2007 1:10 pm

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied,

"It's Lent."


In tears, she remarked,

"Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!

Who did you lend it to, and for how long?
.. The trouble with life is there's no background music..

Remember Grasshopper: The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

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