The Official Joke Thread

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Aspman
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Glasgow Dolmio adverts

Post: # 62215Post Aspman
Fri Mar 09, 2007 12:51 pm

NSFW

Glasgow Dolmio adverts

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92UEpECm1kU

Needs sound.

NSFW


"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Post: # 62234Post Elsparrow
Fri Mar 09, 2007 2:15 pm

Chris's tips for car-only drivers
(Because clearly millions of you need to be told)

Eyes

You have two of these, normally located in the front of your head. Use them. Don't just look, but see what's going on. You might spot someone else on the road other than you. I know that comes as a surprise, but there are other people entitled to share the same road space with you. Here's something else - get them tested. In the UK, a 2003 study found that 1 in 7 drivers who didn't think they needed glasses had vision so bad that their licenses could have been revoked.

Brain

You should have one of these. Most humans are issued with one as standard. It's used for a lot of things, and is certainly capable of multitasking. When you're using your eyes (see above) to look in your mirrors (see below), use your brain to interpret the information. Very handy.

Mirrors

The shiny, reflective things in your car. You have at least one, and most modern cars have three. Interestingly, they're not for putting your makeup on, or adjusting your hair. They are in fact to help you use your eyes to see what's behind you without the horrible inconvenience of actually turning your head. Look in them occasionally, you'll be surprised at what you see.

Indicators

You know those pretty little orange lights that light up the corners of your car? I hate to tell you, but they're not decorative elements put there by the designers on a whim. They actually have a purpose. For the 99.999% of us who can't read your thoughts, those are indicator lights, for you to use to indicate to us what you intend to do. They're operated by a stalk on the steering column - you should try them some time. Oh, and when you do, make sure you use them before actually turning. Like I said, most of the rest of us have trouble reading your mind.

Steering wheel

The big circular thing you hold on to when driving. Apparently, not many of you realise that if you turn this, your car will drift from lane to lane. Most often, you also haven't grasped the basic use of the indicators (see above) so the result is that you'll change lanes, probably surprising yourself, and certainly surprising everyone behind you because you didn't tell us you were going to do it. By the way, when you do this, that grating, scraping, crashing sound from the back of the car isn't "ordinary car noises" - it means you've hit someone.

Brakes

Now this is a complicated one. The middle pedal in your manual car, or the left pedal in your automatic, is there to slow you down, and even stop you. I mention this because it seems that when you've committed to a bonehead maneuver, and see the motorbike at the last minute, not many of you realise that pushing this pedal will make you stop. Often, if you stop, it will avoid the accident. You don't have to run into us you know - your car will stop if instructed to do so. I think the problem is that in order to use the brakes, you also need to engage your eyes and your brain at the same time, and for most of you, that does seem to cause some trouble.

Cellphone

Throw the fucking thing away. You can't drive on a good day. Now you're trying to drive while clamping a cellphone to your ear and holding a conversation? I know I said the brain was multitasking, but you know that you can't do all this at the same time. Just throw it away. You're not that important, really - you aren't. And believe me, your phonecall isn't so important that you have to endanger everyone else on the road to take it.

"Sorry, I didn't see you"

This is the phrase that your brain will be desperately trying to get you to say, when you realise that your eyes didn't see the motorbike you just hit because you didn't use your mirrors, brakes or indicators appropriately, and were having an unimportant, inconsequential conversation on your cellphone. You'll step out of the car and find the motorcyclist and you'll be so desperately wanting to say this phrase that you'll not be able to hold back. It's worth knowing that if you do utter these five words to an injured motorcyclist, you are likely to be punched and kicked and otherwise generally assaulted because these are not words that we like to hear. You say "sorry, I didn't see you". What we hear is "I'm a blind fucking moron and my brain doesn't work". These five words are only marginally less offensive than "Are you okay?"

Crash helmet

This is not so much of a tip as a public information service. Now that you've run the motorcyclist down, and pissed him off by telling him you didn't see him, and asking if he's okay, your next course of action will typically be to try to take his crash helmet off. No, no no no no no no no no a thousand times no. Use your brain. You just nearly killed the guy and now you want to remove the one item of protective gear that might be holding his head together after you swatted him with your Buick? Are you totally deranged? No - don't answer that. If you've got this far into the accident, we all know the answer. You're blind, and stupid. We don't need to add deranged to the list.
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Post: # 62309Post Vorlin
Fri Mar 09, 2007 9:18 pm

R O F L !!!!! I laughed so loud when I read your joke, rofl....
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Post: # 62444Post DaFoxx
Sun Mar 11, 2007 7:03 pm

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill! with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"




The man calmly replied,











"Been married to your sister for 44 years."
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Post: # 62446Post DaFoxx
Sun Mar 11, 2007 7:24 pm

for you tube I like the Postman Pat ones :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzopAG_m ... ed&search=

and DEFINITELY NSFW
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Aspman
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Post: # 62486Post Aspman
Mon Mar 12, 2007 10:47 am

Murphy's technology laws

* Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
* Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
* Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
* If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
* The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
* The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
* An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
* Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. great discoveries are made by mistake.
* Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
* Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
* All's well that ends.
* A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
* The first myth of management is that it exists.
* A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
* New systems generate new problems.
* To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
* We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
* Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Arthur C. Clark
* A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
* Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
* Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
* The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
* To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
* After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
* Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
* A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
* If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
* Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
* .Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
* Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
* If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
* The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
* In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
* Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
* All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
* The only perfect science is hind-sight.
* Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
* If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
* If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
* When all else fails, read the instructions.
* If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
* Everything that goes up must come down.
Corollary: Not always
* Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
* Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
* Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
* The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
* A difficult task will be halted near completion by one tiny, previously insignificant detail.
* There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
* The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
* If there is ever the possibility of several things to go wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
* If something breaks, and it stops you from doing something, it will be fixed when you:
1. no longer need it
2. are in the middle of something else
3. don't want it to be fixed, because you really don't want to do what you were supposed to do
* Each profession talks to itself in it's own language, apparently there is no Rosetta Stone
* The more urgent the need for a decision to be made, less apparent become the identity of the decision maker
* It is never wise to let a piece of electronic equipment know that you are in a hurry.
* Don't fix something that ain't broke, 'cause you'll break it and you still can't fix it
* You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Only by the splatter of the blood stains
* Dobie's Dogma:
If you are not thoroughly confused, you have not been thoroughly informed.
* A screw will never fit a nut.
* Standard parts are not.
* When working on a motor vehicle engine, any tool dropped will land directly under the center of the engine.
* Interchangeable tapes won't.
* Never trust modern technology. Trust it only when it is old technology.
* The bolt that is in the most awkward place will always be the one with the tightest thread.
* The most ominous phrase in science: "_Uh_-oh . . ."
* The 2nd worst thing you can hear the tech say is "Oops!" The worst thing you can hear the tech say is "oh s**t!"
* Any example of hardware/software can be made fool-proof. It cannot, however, be made damn-fool-proof.
* The Rossemblat Graphic Insult Theory:
When any technological change is made, we have a graphic insult curve. No mater how high the insult curve climb, the important thing is how long it goes.
* Bahaman's Law:
for any given software, the moment you manage to master it, a new version of that software appears.
Yakko's addition:
The new version always manages to change the one feature you need most.
* In today's fast-moving tech environment, it is a requirement that we forget more than we learn.
* It is simple to make something complex, and complex to make it simple.
* Measurements will be quoted in the least practical unit; velocity, for example, will be measured in 'furlongs-per-fortnight'.
* In electronics repair the part with the highest failure rate will always be located in the least accessible area of the equipment.
* Multi-million pound technology is worthless in the hands of morons.
* The rule of Protection:
If you install a 50¢ fuse to protect a 100$ component, the 100$ component will blow to protect the 50¢ fuse.
* Karl Imhoff was a German engineer who developed sewage treatment systems in the early 1900's. His biggest contribution was the Imhoff Tank, which allows sewage to settle. The Imhoff Law relates to bosses everywhere. The law goes as follows:
The largest chunks always rise to the top.
* High tech man-year = 730 people trying to finish a project before lunch.
* An expert will always state the obvious.
* The boss is always right.
Corollary: If the boss is wrong, refer back to the rule.
* The chance a copy machine will brake down is proportional to the importance of the material that needs to be copied and inversely proportional to the amount of time till the material will be needed.
* Maintenance department neglect customer's complains till it starts installations in customer's new projects.
* Murphy's Law on HVAC systems:
* The probability any machine breaks down increases with the importance of expected visit.
* if it works in theory, it won't work in practice.
if it works in practice it won't work in theory.
* Research Law:
No matter how clever and complete your research is, there is always someone who knows more.
* Somers' Law of Repair:
No part ever fails where you can reach it, or where there is enough light to see how to replace it.
* Any tool dropped will fall where it can cause the most damage.
* Any wire cut to length will be too short.
* Equivalent replacement parts aren't.
* When you finally update to a new technology, is when everyone stop supporting it.
* Interchangeable parts aren't
* The proposed size of any project is inversely proportional to the size the project will eventually become.
Corollary: Any project that can consume more resources before reaching it's final state will do so.
This will happen faster than you think.
Also, the investors will not be happy.
* The less intelligent the idea, and the person stating it, the more likely it will be funded.
* A man with one watch is certain about time. A man with two watches isn't.
* The more knowledge you gained, the less certain you are of it.
* If you think you understand science (or computers or women), you're clearly not an expert
* Technicians are the only ones that don't trust technology
* All impossible failures, will happen at the test site.
Corollary: All impossible failures will happen on the clients desktop
* The more you want to contact someone over an instant messenger is inversely proportional to the chances that they will be online.
* The more important your email is, the worse your email client will screw it up.
* The degree to which a device will function is directly proportional to the number of times it has been bashed and inversely to its cost.
* A device having an indestructible component or is user serviceable is deemed unsafe until it's replaced by an expensive, unobtainable, inefficient component which needs constant servicing.
* Assaf's Laws of Replacement Parts
o A failed 25¢ part cannot be replaced by a new 25¢ part, but by a sub-assembly whose cost is equal to or greater than that of the device in need of the part
o The cost and availability of a replacement part are in inverse proportion to the cost of the whole system: a $1500 device will fail because of the burnout of a 25¢ capacitor. But the 25¢ capacitor is either
+ no longer manufactured
+ manufactured only by a company in Outer Mongolia with an 18-month backlog
+ available only as part of a $1450 sub-assembly
* All things mechanical/electrical will catastrophically fail after the guarantee has expired, unless an extended guarantee has been purchased.
* The Harvard Principle:
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of temperature, humidity, pressure, etc., the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
* First Law of Linear Equations:
Given any system n linear equations, there will be n+1 unknowns
The last two laws were sent by Bill Pramik
* The disappearance of a nagging error in a system is explicable only in terms of insignificant contribution of the source to that system
* The repairman will have never seen a model quite like yours before
* Law of Repairmen:
The repairman fixes your machine to break down the next day and charges for a new machine.
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Deeboe
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Post: # 62723Post Deeboe
Wed Mar 14, 2007 5:05 pm

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
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Post: # 62725Post Morganlefay
Wed Mar 14, 2007 5:33 pm

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, "Oh Thank you, Fairy Godmother."
The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so profound a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man so beautiful the likes of which she had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered,.
"I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"

MLF
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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Post: # 62748Post jaymill230
Wed Mar 14, 2007 6:33 pm

LMAO

great one MLF

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Post: # 62906Post DaFoxx
Thu Mar 15, 2007 12:57 am

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?"
At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him........


"You shag her again!"
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Deeboe
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Post: # 62961Post Deeboe
Thu Mar 15, 2007 4:27 pm

Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone.

A GUIDE FOR YOU FOR ST PATRICK'S DAY


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-Deeboe
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Aspman
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Post: # 63095Post Aspman
Fri Mar 16, 2007 10:27 am

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"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

Elsparrow
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Post: # 63097Post Elsparrow
Fri Mar 16, 2007 12:41 pm

Dammit Asp, I just coated my computer, keyboard and monitor in coffee cos I laughed into my drink while reading that last one.
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Aspman
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Post: # 63105Post Aspman
Fri Mar 16, 2007 2:46 pm

Heh. It was the line

"I got me some bunnies what couldn't take no more shampooing" that got me. Still does.
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Talen
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Heh...

Post: # 63247Post Talen
Sun Mar 18, 2007 6:13 am

Man, that's just wrong. Funny as hell, but so wrong.
"No single raindrop believes it is to blame for the flood."

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