The Official Joke Thread

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 147382Post DaFoxx
Sun Jan 14, 2018 8:39 pm

Latest news from the Gulf is that Saudi Arabia does NOT like The Flintstones

however

Abu Dhabi DO

:mad: :rolf6: :galdancin: :hysterical: :shock:


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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 147403Post DaFoxx
Sun Jan 28, 2018 8:43 pm

just seen this, and now cannot unsee it :)

https://imgur.com/r/trashy/2fjMfTo
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 147423Post DaFoxx
Fri Feb 09, 2018 12:46 am

why does Snoop Dog have an umbrella ?

For the drizzle .......................
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 147431Post DaFoxx
Tue Feb 20, 2018 6:54 am

due to my lack of a sex life, I decided to arrange a threesome, and get back into it
there were a couple of no shows, but I had a great time :shock: :)
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 147451Post DaFoxx
Sat Mar 17, 2018 9:06 am

THIS is why I love Twitter at times :)
Steven Hawking died recently, and this appeared
GOD on twitter.jpg
GOD on twitter.jpg (60.17 KiB) Viewed 9675 times
GOT to be the ultimate BURN :shock:
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 147461Post DaFoxx
Sun Apr 01, 2018 3:57 pm

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, “I am mute. I am not able to speak. May I play through, please?”

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that, “No, he may not play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right.”

He whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the mute sternly looking at him, holding up 4 fingers!
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 147463Post DaFoxx
Mon Apr 02, 2018 9:03 pm

What did Cinderella do when she got to the Ball ?



Gagged :shock: :hysterical:
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 147464Post DaFoxx
Mon Apr 02, 2018 9:27 pm

When I die, I want to be buried in the middle of nowhere, in a spring loaded coffin, full of confetti ................ :shock:

Just so a future archaeologist shits themselves :hysterical:
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 147743Post DaFoxx
Mon Sep 30, 2019 3:22 am

I lost my Job at the Elvis Presley snow globe factory. I'm all shook up

Did you know that towels are the leading cause of dry skin?

Is it just me or are magnets really attractive?

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. – It’s nice to have a bit of company.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?” I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

I asked the boss what he wanted me to do with the ten metre roll of bubble wrap he chucked at me. "Just pop it in the corner" he said. Six bloody hours it took me.

Weeks ago my mate got arrested by airport police for getting abusive about the luggage delays. He's still waiting for his case to come up.

I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!

Woke up tonight to find the ghost of Gloria Gayner at the end of my bed. First I was afraid, then I was petrified!

Just been stuck behind a tractor all the way into work. Some nutter on the back of it shouting "We're all doomed. The end is nigh. The worlds gonna end today." Turns out it was Farmer Geddon.

People are often shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.

After an explosion at work, my friend put in a claim for industrial deafness. It's been six weeks now, and he still hasn’t heard anything.

I'm selling my pet python on eBay, some bloke just rang up and asked, "is it big?", I said "it's massive", he said "how many feet?" I said "none, its a snake".

Met office advice, if you’re travelling today carry a shovel, blanket, spare warm clothing, a thermos flask with a hot drink, and a torch to attract attention. I looked a right idiot on the bus.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.

Someone stole my fake Christmas tree. It's not fir!

I used to disapprove of hitch-hiking but now I've decided to give it the thumbs up.

Burglars broke into my bathroom last night. Luckily they only took my broken scales. They won't get a weigh with it.

I went to a fancy dress party as an alarm clock but I had to leave early. People kept winding me up.

Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small. We're a very tight-knit community.

I asked an angler for some fishing advice but he just told me to sling my hook.

There’s a siege at the zoo. They’ve taken 3 ostriches.

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

Man just phoned his missus and said he was just leaving work, did she want him to pick up fish and chips on his way home? He was met with a stony silence. He thinks that she still regrets letting him name the twins.

Started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are through the roof!

Just passed an AA man in his van at the side of the road crying his eyes out. I thought he must be heading for a breakdown!

My budgie escaped from it's cage and mated with my dog. I've got a couple of puppies going cheep if anyone's interested.

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a shitzu.

A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can l get you?” “Pop” goes the weasel.
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 147744Post DaFoxx
Mon Sep 30, 2019 3:35 am

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free.

What do you call an underwater dog? A subwoofer.

Me: "Is this fly spray any good for wasps?" Sales assistant: "Not really. It kills them."

I was dating a woman who worked at a camping shop. We split up as the relationship was too intents.

This is a great time to buy a thermometer. They're much lower at this time of year.

I've put a marquee up in my garden, with funky music and flashing lights. Now is the winter of my disco-tent.

I saw two people in Tesco wrapped together in a giant barcode. I thought "They must be an item".

The police stopped me and asked me where I was between 5 and 11. I said "Primary School".

It's the Schizophrenia Society Annual Ball tonight. I'm in two minds whether to go or not.

I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went but I've got some leads.

I love jokes about eyes. The cornea the better.

My mate told me, to meet him at half six so I turned up at three.

Me and my wife had an argument over my big purple dinosaur which she threw out. We had a massive Barney.

My ex girlfriend laughed at my idea of making a car out of spaghetti...should have seen her face today as I drove pasta.

Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I’m so good that I can do it with my eyes closed.
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 147745Post DaFoxx
Mon Sep 30, 2019 5:48 am

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaimed "So YOU are the great Lone Ranger..!"

"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request..?'

The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my Horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening Silver returns with a beautiful Blonde Woman on his back.

As the Chief watches, the Blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal Horse. But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request..?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the Horse's ear.

As before, Silver disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous Brunette, more attractive than the Blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents but I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request..?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my Horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him squarely in the Eyes and says,

"READ MY LIPS...!

FOR... THE... LAST... FUCKING... TIME... "

"BRING POSSE!!"
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 147746Post DaFoxx
Mon Sep 30, 2019 5:53 am

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her Husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her 150 pound offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 147751Post DaFoxx
Thu Oct 24, 2019 12:21 am

made me laugh :)
Urine Test.jpg
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 147752Post DaFoxx
Thu Oct 24, 2019 12:24 am

guy went to the doctors to ask if there was a quick way to test between Alzheimer's and AIDS

when Doc asked why, guy said he was worried about his wife

Doctor told him it was an easy fix, to put wife in car and drive for 10 miles, then let wife out of car and come home.

and then what ? asked the guy
if she makes it back home; don't fuck her
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