The Official Joke Thread

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 128517Post dinowuff
Wed Apr 29, 2009 2:23 pm

For Christs Sake ASP Just say Bacon and quit making me google every other word you use

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 128519Post Aspman
Wed Apr 29, 2009 2:39 pm

Just for you old chap.
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 128567Post invisibl
Thu Apr 30, 2009 11:27 pm

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his
hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to
the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow
me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no,
I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence,
however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It
feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!


"Today marks 100 days for Barack Obama. President Obama has
accomplished a lot. If you compare the last two presidents,
President Bush spent his first 100 days in the Oval Office
looking for the corner." -David Letterman


Tony was attending his 4wd club's monthly meeting and had
just told them he couldn't make the upcoming trip because
his missus wouldn't let him go.

After copping the under the thumb remarks and other
derisive remarks Tony left to go back home to the missus.

When Tony's mates started arriving to set up camp at
the following week who should be there but Tony sitting
up in front of the Cruiser , swag rolled out , fishing rod in
hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk ya missus into letting you go Tony ?"

"I didn't have to", was Tony's reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my
chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the missus
snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, " Surprise".

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a
beautiful see through negligee and she said , ' Carry me
into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what
ever you want .'

So, here I am!


A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."


If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention
to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.


At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."


The visiting Texan farmer, trying to outdo his Australian
host made the remark, "you know what? If I get on my
tractor at my homestead at 6 o'clock in the morning, drive
to the other side of my ranch and back to the homestead, I
wouldn't get back until 10 o'clock that night! What do you
think of that?"

To which the Australian replies, "yeah, I had a tractor
like that once."


On a train from London to Manchester, an American tourist
was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too
much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above the
rest of us. Look at me ... I have Italian blood, French
blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What
do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."


One doctor asked a patient: "If I were to cut one of your
ear off, what will happen to you?"

Patient: "Then I will not be able to hear..."

Doctor: "Hmm.. that's normal... So if I were to cut your
other ear off, what will happen to you?"

Patient: "Then I will not be able to see..." The doctor
became nervous and asked: "Why would you not see then???"

Patient: "Because my spectacles will drop off."


As a child my mother would always tell me not to sit so
close to the TV, that it was bad for my eyes. Now, as an
adult I spend 8+ hours a day within 2 feet of a computer


A young couple were kissing passionately when, suddenly,
the young man pulled back, smiled and said, "Honey, I have
your gum."

She looked puzzled as she said, "But I wasn't chewing gum."
Then the light dawned as she said, "But I have a cold."


A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand.. "I had a kitty-cat who
stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these
stories could become, asked the girl to describe the

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her
back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss but before she could say
"Sh*t", the Rottweiler ate her!!!!


A man walks into a Chinese restaurant and is told by the
maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait,
would he like to wait in the bar. So he goes and has a seat
at the bar.

The bartender walks up and says with a heavy accent, "What
you rike dlink?"

The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles
and says, "Once upon time were FOUR rittle pigs..."


According to a news story, if global warming continues, in
20 years the only chance we'll have to see a polar bear is
in a zoo. So in other words, nothing is going to change. --
Arthur Carlson


It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and he was
beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming
shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:

"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee please back up to
the men's tee!!"

Our man was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious
to the interruption. Again the announcement:

"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the
men's tee."

Our golfer simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating,
when once more the man yelled:

"Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee,

Finally our focused golfer stopped. He turned, looked
through the clubhouse window directly at the person with
the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the club-
house kindly shut up and let me play my second stroke?"


"I have to talk to my girlfriend every day on the phone. My
husband says, 'Why do you have to talk to her again today?
You just talked to her yesterday. What could you possibly
have to tell her?' 'Well, for one thing, I have to tell her
you just said that.'" --Rita Rudner


The Irish have just published a dictionary they are calling
the most sophisticated yet....."It has an index."


A recently retired man moves to a new town and makes an
appointment with the local doctor for a check-up.

After a couple visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor
tells him he is doing 'fairly well' for his age.

A little concerned about that comment, the retiree asked
him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

The doctor asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer
or wine?"

"Oh, no," the retiree replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

"No, my last doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,
sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"


"Well" said the doctor, "why do you even care?"


The Lone Ranger and Tonto rode into town one hot dusty day.
After tying up the horses the Lone Ranger told Tonto to run
around Silver, flapping his poncho to keep Silver cool
while he went into the saloon for a drink.

A little while later a cowboy came in to the bar. "That
your horse out there?" he enquired of the Lone Ranger. On
being told it was, he continued, "Thought I'd better tell
you - you left your injun runnin' ".


A new supermarket opened in Tampa, Florida. It has an
automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just
before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder
and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you
experience the scent of fresh mown hay. In the meat
department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks
with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.... The bread department features the
tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

The manager reports that sales of most goods have increased
significantly with a few exceptions like toilet paper.


A young boy was looking through the family album and asked
his mother: "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all
the muscles and curly hair?"

"That's your father."

"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us


After a day full of accidents and mistakes, my coworker had
had it. "Why," she cried out in exasperation, "do things
that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?!"


It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a
young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher
shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his
and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the
boy was 16.

She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one
day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each
week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been
counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel
of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and
watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and
tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free
groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on
HIS face!"


How to Turn Down Unwanted Men:

HE: Can I buy you a drink?

SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go out once or twice?

SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?

SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.

SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.

SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?

SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Where have you been all my life?

SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?

SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?

SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?

SHE: I'm a female impersonator.


An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a
full-grown emu behind him. The waitress aks them
for their orders.

The truckie says, "A hamburger, chips and a coke,"
and turns to the emu, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order,
"That will be $9.40 please." The truckie reaches into his
pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day the truckie and the emu come again and
he says, "A hamburger, chips and a coke." The emu
says, "I'll have the same."

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with
the exact change.

The following day the two arrive again and the waitress
asks, "The usual?"

"No, its Friday night, so I'll have steak, baked potato
and a salad," says the truckie. "Same," says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the orders and says, "That
will be $32.62."

Once again the truckie pulls the exact change out of his
pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to come up
with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well love," says the truckie, "a few years ago, I was
cleaning out the back shed and found an old lamp. When
I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I
would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount
of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant," says the waitress, "Most people would
ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be
as rich as you want for as long as you live."

"That's right, whether it's a litre of milk or an Aston Martin,
the exact money is always there,"says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the bloody emu?"

The truckie sighs and answers, "My second wish was for
a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with
everything I say."

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 128601Post Aspman
Mon May 04, 2009 11:26 am

Should UK Adopt the Euro???

A cross-section survey of 6700 typical people in the UK , made up of: ·

Afghans, ·
Pakistanis, ·
Indians, ·
Poles, ·
Iraqis, ·
Somalis, ·
Nigerians ,
Angolans ,
Albanians, ·
Bosnians, ·
Turks, ·
Geordies, ·
Brummies, ·
Glaswegians and ·
Liverpudlians ....

were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to the Euro.

........ 99.3% said NO, they were happy with the Giro.
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 128602Post Aspman
Mon May 04, 2009 11:28 am

Scottish Romance

Who said Scots Romance is dead! These are REAL ADS from the
lonely-hearts column.

Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old, Gemini, seeks
nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit
dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be
willing to travel. Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested
in beer, cigarettes, Celtic football club and starting scraps on
Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82 .

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by long-time fiancée
seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in
this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41

Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a
few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more
Box 84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,
writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes,
seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce
along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey.
Strong stomach essential. Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage.. Duties will
include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social
functions.20References required. No timewasters. Box 3/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the
arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big
chest. Box 40/27

Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and
dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs
in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon ..
Box 52/07

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition
at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic
man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and
listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the
night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 128603Post Aspman
Mon May 04, 2009 11:31 am


This happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. ...Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

'Look Paddy...there's that f..king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 128820Post Aspman
Tue May 12, 2009 5:00 pm

An answer that only a child from Glasgow could think of.

I was testing the children in my local Sunday school class
to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big
garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that
get me into Heaven ?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden,
and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into

Again, the answer was, 'NO!' By now I was starting
to smile.

Hey, this was fun! 'Well, then, if I was kind to
animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my
wife would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, 'NO!' I was just bursting
with pride for them.

Well, I continued, 'then how can I get into

A six-year-old boy from Glasgow shouted out,

"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 128824Post Morganlefay
Tue May 12, 2009 6:19 pm

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...and all the other bells started to ring.

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 128887Post MistyPaws
Sat May 16, 2009 1:21 am

How much does a cockney spend on shampoo?


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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 128935Post Aspman
Wed May 20, 2009 1:33 pm

Doric for business

(I do not speak like this but the out-laws do)


Process Flowcharts - The wye tae dee things

Departments - Bourachies o' Fowk

Roles (Job Titles) - Fit the folk are caa'd

Resources - Handy things tae hae handy

Value - Foo mony or foo muckle

Unit of measure - Foo mony or foo muckle fit

Concepts and Standards

Quality - Fit wye a thingmie's fit for fit it's supposed tae fit

Competency - Fit ye're fit for

Business Risk - Onything that can mak' an erse o'fit ye're trying tae dee

Documentation - Bumf

Document Register - Faur tae look for mair bumf

Retention Period - Haud on til't for


Process Reference - Fit it's caa'd

Process Title - Fit it's tae dee wi'

Process Owner - Heid mannie

Approver - Fa says "aye"

Draft - Nae quite feenish'd

Tasks (within a process)

Task - Fit's deen

Responsible - Fa does't

Informed - Tell't

Consulted - Speired at

Assists - Gies a haun til

Accountable - Fa's heid's on the block if a'thing gings erse ower tit

Create - Mak up

Refer to - Hae a lookie at

File/Archive - Pit awa'

Project Completion

Project - Jobbie

Completion Checklist - Ticketyboo tick list

Guidance in the Published Processes

"Click on a Process Group at the left to display the list of Processes for that Process Group" - "Gie a dunt tae the left lug o' the moosie o'er the heid o' a Bourachie o' Maps tae the left tae hae a look at a list o' the Maps in ahint it"

"A flowchart is not currently available for this process" - "Ther's nae a map gaan aboot for this een"

Doric the official language of North East Scotland
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 129073Post Morganlefay
Wed May 27, 2009 7:58 pm


Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc

Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister!


* The consumption of Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Now Just Imagine What You Could Achieve With a Good Dry Merlot!!!

:galdancin: :galdancin: :galdancin: :galdancin: :galdancin: :galdancin: :galdancin:

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 129135Post Morganlefay
Tue Jun 02, 2009 5:10 pm

Work Logic and upper management



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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 129152Post Morganlefay
Wed Jun 03, 2009 9:29 pm

> A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect
> shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second. In the
> third everything had just been reduced 50 percent. Then her mobile
> phone rang.
> It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in
> a terrible car accident and was in a critical condition in the ICU.
> The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there as
> soon as possible.
> When she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to
> be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided just
> to look in two or three more before heading to the hospital.
> Anyhow she ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her
> trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments
> of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.
> Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the
> corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor
> glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping
> trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out
> for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has
> been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you
> went ahead and finished, because it's likely be the last shopping trip
> you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round the
> clock care. And he will now be your responsibility!'
> The woman felt so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
> The lady doctor then laughed and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.
> He's dead. Show me what you bought!'

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 129160Post Aspman
Thu Jun 04, 2009 10:49 am

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"!
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 129358Post SirDice
Fri Jun 12, 2009 9:54 am

Never lie to your mum

Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote




Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read



Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

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