The Official Joke Thread

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keezel
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126928Post keezel
Sun Mar 08, 2009 1:03 am

"The scent of an old woman"

A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."

On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."

The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."


Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

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keezel
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126929Post keezel
Sun Mar 08, 2009 1:08 am

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee.
Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

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keezel
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 126930Post keezel
Sun Mar 08, 2009 1:10 am

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 127058Post Vorlin
Thu Mar 12, 2009 4:43 pm

In the world of protection, one thing is for sure: security = 1 / convenience.

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SirDice
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 127282Post SirDice
Tue Mar 17, 2009 10:30 am

5-minute Management course

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it..

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

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Ally
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 127325Post Ally
Wed Mar 18, 2009 5:17 am

THE GOLFING NUN.......

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?'
Scientia potentia est - Knowledge is Power

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 127348Post lostpast
Wed Mar 18, 2009 2:04 pm

This is true
An insurance salesman came by my house when i was a kid to sell my dad life insurance . Well my dad didn't like salesman
He said Mr Debty would you like to buy some insurance he said I already have insurance The saleman looked at him and said What kind do you have ? He said Drag State Insurance Well the salesman got his books out and looked through all of them by that time he was puzzeled and said I can't find that anywhere? He said what kind of insurance is that?My dad said well if I cross the road to get my mail and get hit by a car the state will drag me on the side of the road and bury me !!!!
In those days they buried dogs that way :D

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Morganlefay
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 127662Post Morganlefay
Fri Mar 27, 2009 6:26 pm

LTTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
shit?

MLF
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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Aspman
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 127703Post Aspman
Mon Mar 30, 2009 4:30 pm

Sick Joke Warning!

To the tune of the Addams Family -

Your mother is your sister
Your brother is your father
Your aunty is your granny
The Fitzl family
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 128110Post Morganlefay
Tue Apr 14, 2009 4:02 pm

Sorry about the all caps....it was sent that way
AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 42 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "HONEY, 42 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, WE SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV. BUT EVERY NIGHT I GOT TO SLEEP WITH A HOT 19-YEAR-OLD GAL.

NOW I HAVE A $500,000 HOME, A $45,000 CAR, A NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV. BUT NOW I'M SLEEPING WITH A 61-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND ME A HOT 19-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE A MID-LIFE CRISIS.
MLF
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 128266Post Morganlefay
Tue Apr 21, 2009 3:52 pm

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...on one condition..."
Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20.00 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said...


"Clean my house."

:finger:

MLF
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 128270Post Morganlefay
Tue Apr 21, 2009 4:47 pm

Growth
> >
> > When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend.
> > When I was 16 I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I
> > decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.
> >
> > In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional.
> > Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the
> > time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a boy with
> > stability.
> >
> > When I was 25 I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was
> > totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life
> > became so dull that I decided I needed a boy with some excitement.
> >
> > When I was 28 I found an exciting boy, but I couldn't keep up with
> > him. He rushed from one party to another, never settling on anything.
> > He did
> > mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me
> > miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very
> > energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a boy with some
> > ambition.
> >
> > When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious boy with his feet
> > planted firmly on the ground so I moved in with him. He was so
> > ambitious that he dumped me and took everything I owned.
> >
> > I am older now and am looking for a guy with a very big dick.
:galdancin:

MLF
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 128281Post cheapscotchron
Tue Apr 21, 2009 9:03 pm

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Tis better to be boozed than bruised

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keezel
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 128362Post keezel
Sat Apr 25, 2009 1:44 am

A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
Only amateurs attack machines; professionals target people. Bruce Schneier

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Aspman
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 128507Post Aspman
Wed Apr 29, 2009 9:00 am

I think i have that swine flu...


I'm coming out in rashers...
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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