The Official Joke Thread

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Aspman
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Post: # 118817Post Aspman
Fri Aug 22, 2008 12:25 pm

Please take note -

In deference to the Archbishop of Canterbury and the new Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'English weather.'


In order to avoid offending a sizable and growing proportion of the population, it can now be referred as 'Muslim weather.'



In other words, partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite.


"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Shippwreck
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Post: # 118850Post Shippwreck
Sun Aug 24, 2008 12:47 am

That has to be one of the best jokes i've read on here... so short... yet so funny... perfect!
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Aspman
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Post: # 118868Post Aspman
Mon Aug 25, 2008 10:29 am

How to show you are unhappy when your goalkeeper lets in an easy one.

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Welling Utd vs Maidstone non-league.
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Aspman
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Post: # 118882Post Aspman
Mon Aug 25, 2008 2:42 pm

A Welsh farmer walks into the bedroom one night carrying a White n Wooly Sunday lunch on legs. His wife is in bed reading.

"This", says the farmer, "is the pig I have to shag when you have a headache."
His wife replies: "I think you will find that is a White n Wooly Sunday lunch on legs, not a pig."
The farmer replies: "I think you will find that I was talking to the White n Wooly Sunday lunch on legs."

- - - - - - - - - -

Q: What do you call an Essex girl with pigtails?
A: A blowjob with handlebars

- - - - - - - - - -

A policewoman is called to the scene of a road accident near Basildon. On arriving at the scene she goes over to the overturned car and finds an Essex girl in the vehicle and obviously quite badly hurt.

"Where are you bleeding from?", asks the Policewoman.
"Chelmsford", replies the Essex girl, "Why?"
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Panama Red
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Post: # 118884Post Panama Red
Mon Aug 25, 2008 2:53 pm

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic`. Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!

She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled...................

So I told her to f*ck off.
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Ally
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 119634Post Ally
Tue Sep 02, 2008 8:27 am

The Pearly Gates

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I
will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on thephone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the gates'.
Scientia potentia est - Knowledge is Power

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Ally
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 119635Post Ally
Tue Sep 02, 2008 8:27 am

The Pearly Gates

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I
will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on thephone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the gates'.
Scientia potentia est - Knowledge is Power

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Morganlefay
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 119590Post Morganlefay
Tue Sep 02, 2008 2:59 pm

Grandparents and Grandchildren

#####

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gamma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!'

#####
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'

#####

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'

#####

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?' 'You're both old,' he replied.

#####

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'

#####
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'

#####

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies?' 'It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'

#####

Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. One of the small boys wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'

#####

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another, 'he's just for good luck.' A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants...


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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 119591Post Morganlefay
Tue Sep 02, 2008 2:59 pm

Grandparents and Grandchildren

#####

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gamma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!'

#####
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'

#####

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'

#####

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?' 'You're both old,' he replied.

#####

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'

#####
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'

#####

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies?' 'It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'

#####

Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. One of the small boys wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'

#####

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another, 'he's just for good luck.' A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants...


MLF
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 119568Post Morganlefay
Tue Sep 02, 2008 6:01 pm

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian
medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white
powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a
year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as
you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say
is 1234, and it will go down. But, be warned -- it will not work again
for another year!"

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That
night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his
most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her
says, "123."

He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as
the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns
over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

...and that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a
preposition.

:mrgreen:

MLF
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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Aspman
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 119406Post Aspman
Thu Sep 04, 2008 4:11 pm

For several years I've been blaming it on age, poor blood, lack of vitamins,
air pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, under arm odour, yellow wax build-up
and another dozen maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.

I'm knackered because I'm overworked . . . . . . .. .. . .. ..

The population of this country is 51 million.

21 million are retired.

That leaves 30 million to do the work.

There are 19 million at school.

That leaves 11 million to do the work.

Five million are "economically inactive" and four million are employed by the government to look after us.

That leaves two million to do the work.

One million are in the armed forces.

That leaves one million to do the work.

There are 620,000 people in hospital and 379,998 in prison.

Which leaves 2 people to do the work.

You and me....


And you are sitting on your a**e reading this.
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Ally
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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 119376Post Ally
Fri Sep 05, 2008 4:45 am

Why you never take a man shopping with you.

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of your Myer 1 Card, the Manager of our stores in Sydney are considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in Homewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15:
Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a gas stove.

7. September 23:
When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4:
Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10:
While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Home wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6:
In the kitchenware section, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
Scientia potentia est - Knowledge is Power

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Morganlefay
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8 words with 2 meanings

Post: # 119725Post Morganlefay
Fri Sep 05, 2008 5:29 pm

8 Words with 2 meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n...
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . . ... They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said .. . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 120028Post Morganlefay
Fri Sep 12, 2008 2:36 pm

Smoking in the Rain

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

:shock:

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post: # 120041Post Morganlefay
Fri Sep 12, 2008 5:40 pm

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn' t been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting And laughing with glee..

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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