The Official Joke Thread

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Aspman
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Post: # 108246Post Aspman
Mon Apr 28, 2008 8:41 am

1. Teaching Maths In 1970:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2008:

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of £20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )

6. Teaching Maths 2018:

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من الثمن. ما هو الربح ل


"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Aspman
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Post: # 108250Post Aspman
Mon Apr 28, 2008 9:51 am

AT 00.54 ON SATURDAY 26TH APRIL 2008 A MAJOR EARTHQUAKE HIT MEASURING 4.8 ON THE RICHTER SCALE EPICENTERED ON GLASGOW.

Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly muttering: "Ah wiz ****tin'
masel", "Ah need some jellies" "Ah need a fag and a Cally Spesh".
The Earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately £30 worth of
damage, with the exception of the Possil area, where approx. £375,000 of
improvements were made.
Untold disruption and distress was caused:
Many were woken well before their giro arrived
Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish
Costas were damaged
Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed
The cone fell off the head of the statue of the Duke of Wellington
outside the Gallery of Modern Art. That on his horse Copenhagen, managed to
remain on the horse's head, albeit at a jaunty angle.
Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the
fact that something interesting has happened in Glasgow
One resident, Mary-Alice McGregor, a 17 year old mother-of-three said
"It was such a shock, little Chelsea came running into my bedroom crying.
My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Shauni slept through it. I was still
shaking when I was watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."

Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Buckfast
Tonic Wine to the area to help the stricken masses.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found
large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and
jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.

HOW YOU CAN HELP
Clothing is most sought after.
Items required include: -
* Sovvy rings
* Baseball caps
* Shell suits
* Tesco two stripe trainers
* White socks
* Chunky gold chains
Food parcels may be harder to put together but are necessary all the same.
Required foodstuffs include: -
* Frozen burgers
* Buckfast
* Deep fried Mars Bars
* Buckfast
* Golden Wonder crisps (Cheese and Onion and Prawn Cocktail preferred)
* Buckfast
* Tripe and Onions
* Buckfast
* Black, White, Fruit or Red Pudding
* Buckfast
* Fray Bentos Pies
* Old English Cider
* Buckfast
* Lard
* Ready-cut Potato Chips
* Lard
* Buckfast

£2 buys chips, scraps and "ginger" -- preferably Dunn's or Alpine "Iron
Brew" -- for a family of four
£10 can take a family to Coatbridge for the day, where children can
sniff glue and spike up among the national collection of stinging nettles.
22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim.
£1.95 buys an "All Day" bus ticket to enable disaster victim travel
between the Social, the Posty, the Offy, McDonalds, and Whateverys, and
Glasgow
Green or Elder Park for the refugees garden party.
Please send your credit card number and a sample signature.
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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THE Doctor
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Post: # 108554Post THE Doctor
Thu May 01, 2008 8:16 am

Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.




Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.




Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.




My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.




Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)




'Did it ever occur to you, that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'
.. The trouble with life is there's no background music..

Remember Grasshopper: The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

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Aspman
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Post: # 108665Post Aspman
Fri May 02, 2008 10:59 am

Jokes you will only get if your scottish.?

A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:

'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken

'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'

'From my knickers tae ma feet. '



A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist...
'Govan,' she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography ..?
Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo..

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'

Ten cows in a field... Which one is closest to Iraq ? Coo eight.

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box.
So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.

While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: '
Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'

What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is
a lace missing.
'No,' argues the assistant,
'look at the label - it says Taiwan .'

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen White n Wooly Sunday lunch on legs
farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen White n Wooly Sunday lunch on legs farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station? It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Low Ping.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make
a negative - 'Aye right.'

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street .When he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
Aye, same as masel
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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Talen
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Post: # 109449Post Talen
Fri May 09, 2008 4:41 am

7 reasons not to mess with children...

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
"No single raindrop believes it is to blame for the flood."

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Post: # 110027Post DaFoxx
Wed May 14, 2008 3:40 pm

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis,
and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
Beware of Geeks bearing GIF's :shock:

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THE Doctor
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The Human race

Post: # 110029Post THE Doctor
Wed May 14, 2008 3:52 pm

The Human Race

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.
.. The trouble with life is there's no background music..

Remember Grasshopper: The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

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Post: # 110033Post DaFoxx
Wed May 14, 2008 4:02 pm

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss wouldn't allow me to take a leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me,
the Boss asked her" .....And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark
Beware of Geeks bearing GIF's :shock:

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Post: # 110035Post DaFoxx
Wed May 14, 2008 4:12 pm

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," she said.
So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any public hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself"
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"
"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy mooff.

When the husband got back in, she asked: "Did you see?" "Yes," he said. "But why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why," she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know," he said, "but the f**king darts team hadn't!"
Beware of Geeks bearing GIF's :shock:

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Post: # 110050Post dinowuff
Wed May 14, 2008 8:22 pm

Image
No lusers were harmed in the creation of this Taz Zone Post.
AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY NOT!
09:F9:11:02:9D:74:E3:5B:D8:41:56:C5:63:56:88:C0

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Post: # 110052Post Shippwreck
Wed May 14, 2008 8:43 pm

OMG... that's hilarious... its the way he's just jiggling about that really gets me :hysterical:
Image
Google is god... of the internet :mrgreen:

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Post: # 110072Post THE Doctor
Wed May 14, 2008 11:25 pm

DaFoxx wrote: "I know," he said, "but the f**king darts team hadn't!"
I don't know what made me cry.. that or the poor guy dancing
.. The trouble with life is there's no background music..

Remember Grasshopper: The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

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Post: # 110076Post THE Doctor
Thu May 15, 2008 12:01 am

.. The trouble with life is there's no background music..

Remember Grasshopper: The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

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Post: # 110169Post DaFoxx
Thu May 15, 2008 2:49 pm

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men.
That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.


After a few days they meet up for lunch.


The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.


The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.


The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'
Beware of Geeks bearing GIF's :shock:

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Talen
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Post: # 110251Post Talen
Fri May 16, 2008 3:51 am

DaFoxx wrote:The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'
That's funny as hell...
"No single raindrop believes it is to blame for the flood."

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