A brief Foray into the Bizarre

[|3lack|ce]

So today I was watching that goddamned idiot box (hereafter referred to as TV) and a commercial for a well-known brand of toilet paper came on. I was awed by the depths of depravity to which American advertising has sunk, and considered the history of toilet paper advertising in my own lifetime.

Now, as a boy, I remember Good old Mr. Whipple running round his store screaming "Please don't squeeze the Charmin" at everyone in sight. Mr. W even retired after an entire career of doing nothing but those commercials, and got an added bonus of free Charmin for the rest of his life at his retirement. I don't know if he's still alive or not, but if he is, odds are we know what's hanging in his bathroom. Just about every other toilet paper out there was going on about how soft they were, but Mr. Whipple just pwned the world.

So in the 80's, 90's, and 2000's, it became fashionable to have things added to one's toilet paper. "Try our tissue!" the ad execs cried, "It's got ALOE!" Ok, ok, I can see the potential for relieving the burning sensation where one sits. It was pretty gross, but no worse than any preparation H commercial. Our brand Charmin, however, maintained it's 'squeezably soft' dignity and introduced some cartoon bears to the fray recently (It did try a lotion-induced version, but they didn't push it as hard as the others did.).

So now we come to the present - me, sitting in my livingroom after a hard night's work, enjoying a cold beer and watching TV, and this bloody commercial comes on.

Now friends, before we go further I must define a term which has existed in American idiom for longer than I have been alive.

That term is Cling-on.

A cling-on is a scrap of toilet paper which sticks to one's arse after one has answered nature's call and has duly cleaned him or herself with said paper.

It is not to be confused with a Klingon, which is Star Trek idiom and not mentioned in this dissertation, although in the Kirk days the two were quite interchangeable.

This blasted commercial talked very gently around the topic of cling-ons, then used an animated baby bear's arse speckled with the things to illustrate the point. The unspoken message "Buy Charmin and have less cling-ons!"

WTF have these ad execs done to my 'squeezably soft' favorite? My old friend from childhood, my arse-wiper extraordinaire? LESS CLING-ONS? Where is the dignity in advertising this, and for that matter, how in the hell do they prove it? A random arse sampling from various toilet paper users? Damn, I'd love to see THAT man-in-the-street interview...

And speaking of man-in-the-street, here's a blast from the past:
"Does your husband care about toilet tissue?"
JUST ONCE in that commercial I wanted to hear the interviewee answer up "Only when he needs to wipe his butt!"

Peace

[dinowuff]

HUMMMM????.... Star Trek... Toilet paper... The U.S.S. Enterprise.


Oh yea The Enterprise and Toilet Paper. They both battle Klingon's and circle Uranus!

Get IT?

[rapier57]

Yeah, dino!

I think old |ceman was suckin' on something besides a cold longneck. Definitely went on a tear, there.