Women

The place to kick back, relax, post general bullshit, and grill a few on the BBQ. Whatever doesn't fit into another forum would go here. We periodically go through and move posts to the correct forum, but we do charge a case of Beer every time we have to.
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|3lack|ce
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Women

Post: # 128238Post |3lack|ce
Tue Apr 21, 2009 2:10 am



The one thing a customer service specialist can never teach is 'being nice.'

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rapier57
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Re: Women

Post: # 128240Post rapier57
Tue Apr 21, 2009 2:25 am

Women

Can't live with 'em ...
Can't live with 'em.
Rapier57.

Jayne: Testing. Testing. Captain, can you hear me?
Mal: I'm standing right here.
Jayne: You're coming through good and loud.
Mal: 'Cause I'm standing right here.


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Opus
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Re: Women

Post: # 128241Post Opus
Tue Apr 21, 2009 2:28 am

can't live with them
they can't pee standing up
well, used to be.......
There are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

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Panama Red
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Re: Women

Post: # 128255Post Panama Red
Tue Apr 21, 2009 12:36 pm

I don't know, I managed to survive on KD for quite some time... :mrgreen:

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SirDice
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Re: Women

Post: # 128258Post SirDice
Tue Apr 21, 2009 1:29 pm

I'm living proof you can be without a woman for a very long time....

Wait.. Errr.. :imsorry:
Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

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|3lack|ce
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Re: Women

Post: # 128259Post |3lack|ce
Tue Apr 21, 2009 1:29 pm

Hell man, that's what I used to get when I *did* live with one.

What good are they really?
The one thing a customer service specialist can never teach is 'being nice.'

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Aspman
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Re: Women

Post: # 128261Post Aspman
Tue Apr 21, 2009 2:15 pm

Women,

Can't live with them
Can't blow them up

The law is an ass.
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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SirDice
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Re: Women

Post: # 128264Post SirDice
Tue Apr 21, 2009 3:06 pm

Can't shoot them either :sad:


They act all mature and stuff but when you stick it in their a-hole they all start screaming "I'M ONLY THIRTEEN, I'M ONLY THIRTEEN!"... :finger:
Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

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|3lack|ce
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Re: Women

Post: # 128267Post |3lack|ce
Tue Apr 21, 2009 4:05 pm

99 REASONS BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. Hangovers eventually go away.
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer always goes down gently.
17. You can share a beer with your friends and enemies.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. A beer doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a beer in public.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.
28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. Beer looks the same in the morning.
33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. Beer doesn't get cramps.
37. Beer doesn't have a mother.
38. Beer doesn't have morals.
39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
40. Beer always listens and never argues.
41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. Beer doesn't demand legality.
45. Beer is never overweight.
46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
49. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
53. Beer never changes its mind.
54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. Beer never asks you to change the station.
56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. Beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie.
59. Beer is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
61. Beer doesn't pout or play games.
62. Beer NEVER says no.
63. Beer is easy to get into.
64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.
66. Beer doesn't wear a bra.
67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70. Beer doesn't live with its mother.
71. Beer doesn't blow you off.
72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
74. Beer doesn't mind football season.
75. A beer won't make you go to church.
76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
79. A beer doesn't give a toss if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute".
81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig
83. A beer will never make you see its parents
84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
86. A beer will never stop you from watching Playboy.
87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A beer won't smoke in your car.
89. A beer never watchs opera.
90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A beer will never complain when you disobey nature.
92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
93. A beer never fishes for compliments.
94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95. Beer tastes good.
96. A beer will never accuse you of rape.
97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watchin.
98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
The one thing a customer service specialist can never teach is 'being nice.'

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Morganlefay
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Re: Women

Post: # 128268Post Morganlefay
Tue Apr 21, 2009 4:36 pm

Men are like.....Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you upall night long.

Men are like.....Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like.....Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Noodles.
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

Men are like.....Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long
he will last.

Men are like.....Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

Men are like.....Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like.....Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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Morganlefay
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Re: Women

Post: # 128269Post Morganlefay
Tue Apr 21, 2009 4:44 pm

1. Don't imagine you can change a man-unless he's in diapers.
>
> 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
>
> 3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all
> up there.
>
> 4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
>
> 5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
>
> 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you
> can tell them apart.
>
> 7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to
> make some woman miserable.
>
> 8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
> types.
>
> 9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too
> old for it.
>
> 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
>
> 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
>
> 12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
> Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

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Panama Red
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Re: Women

Post: # 128271Post Panama Red
Tue Apr 21, 2009 5:10 pm

Every Sunday Father Donovan, a preacher at a small church in the little town of Juniper, MO, tried to make the Bible accessible to his congregation through his sermons.
On this particular Sunday, Father Donovan proclaimed, "If you ever feel adrift in the sea of life, just turn to the Bible for guidance. All life's experiences are immortalized in the good book, and it will help you find your way to shore."
After church Mrs. Francis approached the preacher and said, "Father Donovan, I don't think every life experience is in the Bible. Nowhere in the Bible have I ever read about PMS."
Father Donovan had never heard such a comment, so that night he sifted through the Bible to see if Mrs. Francis was right.
Next Sunday Father Donovan pulled Mrs. Francis aside after church and said, "I wasn't wrong last Sunday when I said that every life experience is mentioned in the Bible."
"Okay, Father. Where does it say anything about PMS?"
Father Donovan opened up his Bible and showed her a passage that read: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
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Panama Red
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Re: Women

Post: # 128272Post Panama Red
Tue Apr 21, 2009 5:11 pm

Why Men Prefer Dogs Over Women

*

Dogs love it when your friends come over.
*

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
*

Dogs think you sing great.
*

Dogs don't cry.
*

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
*

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
*

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
*

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
*

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
*

Dogs are excited by rough play.
*

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
*

Dogs love red meat.
*

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
*

Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
*

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
*

Dogs don't shop.
*

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
*

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
*

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
*

A dog's parents never visit.
*

Dogs love long car trips.
*

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
*

Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
*

Dogs like beer.
*

Dogs don't hate their bodies.
*

No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
*

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
*

Dogs never criticize.
*

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
*

Dogs never expect gifts.
*

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
*

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
*

Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
*

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
*

Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
*

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
*

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
*

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
*

Dogs never want foot-rubs.
*

Dogs can't talk.
*

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
*

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
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rapier57
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Re: Women

Post: # 128273Post rapier57
Tue Apr 21, 2009 5:14 pm

I'm workin' on a book. Title is: 1,001 recipes using Mac-n-Cheese, the definitive cookbook for men.

;)
Rapier57.

Jayne: Testing. Testing. Captain, can you hear me?
Mal: I'm standing right here.
Jayne: You're coming through good and loud.
Mal: 'Cause I'm standing right here.


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Aspman
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Re: Women

Post: # 128279Post Aspman
Tue Apr 21, 2009 8:18 pm

SirDice wrote:Can't shoot them either :sad:


They act all mature and stuff but when you stick it in their a-hole they all start screaming "I'M ONLY THIRTEEN, I'M ONLY THIRTEEN!"... :finger:
I fell down :hysterical:

As they said at school "If there's grass on the pitch the game's on".
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest."
- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

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