The Official Joke Thread

[DaFoxx]

I think my wife is putting glue on my rifle collection. She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

[DaFoxx]

Two Scousers are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Manchester. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Scousers ask him for a ride.
He tells them they can ride in the trailer if they could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. Wanting to make up time the trucker speeds up.
Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding.
The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies, "Scouse eggs."
The Blonde Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so she takes a look in the trailer.
She opens the back door and shocked, quickly shuts it and locks it.
She calls for immediate backup and an armed response team. The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.
"I stopped an artic with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already stolen a bicycle!"

[DaFoxx]

When the doctor diagnosed me with dyslexia it was like music to my arse.

[DaFoxx]

I was telling my co workers a joke at coffee break

"What do you do if your mate has an epileptic fit in the bath?"

“Throw your laundry in.”

One of the co workers said “that's not funny, my brother died having a fit in the bath.”

"Oh, so sorry. Did he drown?"

“No, he choked on a sock....”

[DaFoxx]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people pass by, but they put money only into the hat of the guy behind the cross.

A priest who’d been watching the pair walked up to the beggar with the Star of David and said, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a catholic country. People won’t give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside another beggar who has a cross. In fact, they’d probably give him more money just out of spite.”

The beggar thanked the priest and then turned to the beggar with the cross and said, “Moshe—look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing"

[DaFoxx]

Bloke walks into B&Q...

Drunk, slurring his words. "I'd like a boccle of methylated spirits please"

Cashier "sorry I'm not allowed to serve drunken people and your clearly wanting to drink it for a cheap high"

Drunk "A cheap high? I'll have you know I'm a painter and decorator and I've been painting all ******* day and I want a bottle if methylated spirits to clean the brushes. I shall write to the papers about you"

Cashier "ok I'm sorry, here is your bottle of bottle of methylated spirits"

Drunk "can I have a cold one out of the fridge?"